Dangerous Thoughts

I don't know about you, but I constantly hear people say things to me like, "Don't you just wish you could push the pause button?", "Enjoy them now while they're little," "Before you know it, they will be in college," yadda, yadda, yadda.  For the longest time, I just rolled my eyes behind the backs of those who said things like that.  (so mature, I know!)  But the more people said it to me, the more I allowed it to permeate my thoughts and my perceptions of my little ones.  I started to panic a little if I were to be completely honest.  I would read blogs about how to enjoy children in the present. I would read quotes about never getting this day back again, and I would listen to sad country songs about allowing them to be little or before we know it, their wedding day would be here.  Seriously, it's a bit ridiculous!

If I allowed you into my thought process (God, help you!), this is what you may hear:

Oh man.  Caleb is already going into first grade. How did that happen?  How can I stop this from happening?  Is he still going to love me and need me and think I'm the funniest person?  Will he still want my hugs?  Will Rylie start to like boys soon?  She already has an attitude, so will it just get worse?  Will she still want to hear Bible stories? I don't want Asher to potty train yet!  That means he's that much closer to being a preschooler!  Oh no, Josiah is trying to take his first steps!  I don't know if I'm ready for him to walk yet! He's not a baby anymore...  yadda, yadda, yadda...  

What do you notice about every thought described above?  They are all passively negative!  Sure, I have good intentions behind them.  I love my kids so much that I want to enjoy these moments.  But guess what? With these negative thought processes, I am robbing myself and I am robbing my kids of being set up for success for what is next.  I am allowing worry to seep in and not allow me to fully enjoy fun moments or milestones.

If I constantly dread what's coming next, how can I possibly enjoy them now and set them on the path for exciting things to come?  

The number one thing I hear people say to me when they spend even five minutes with my five year-old girl, Rylie, is this: "Wow. You have your hands full with that one.  You better start praying now for when she's a teenager." I usually smile and play it off like it doesn't hurt every time I hear it.  (and trust me, it is DAILY that these things are said!)  I have learned to shake it off and listen to what God says about my children instead of what others say out of good intentions.  Or maybe not so good intentions. Either way, if I allow others' opinions to shout louder than what God has said about my beautiful children and His plan for them, then I have allowed the Enemy to win. 

So, here are few tid bits that I have learned to help my thought life when it comes to my kids and rearing them:

1. Learn to enjoy the present while still anticipating the future with joyful expectation.

I cannot go into the preteen years with fear. I cannot dread the future teen years. I have to approach it just as I would with any new age: with joyful expectation.  I cannot allow others' experiences ruin it for me.  If I truly believe that my childrens' future is in the hands of the Father, then I can be nothing but excited for ages 7,8,9,16,25, and so on.  Why shouldn't it be wonderful?  Who says age eleven can't be an amazing opportunity to go through with my kids?  Will it be challenging?  I would certainly expect it to be, but something about it gets me excited.  I need to trust in the words that God has inspired!  Jeremiah 29:11 says it best!  God knows the plans that He has for my children.  They are good plans. They are prosperous plans.  That is where my thoughts need to remain.  That is where my thought life needs to rest.  Right there in that sweet spot of joy, hope, and peace.

2. Pray for each new age/milestone with expectancy and excitement rather than fear and dread.

Just like I stated in my previous blog about prayer, we as mommies need to pray for our little ones with boldness and power.  When I pray for Rylie, I pray that she is always surrounded by wonderful friends who love God. I pray that she always goes to God first for answers. I pray that her future spouse will know and love Jesus.  I don't pray this out of fear though.  God did not give us a spirit of fear!  So, when you are going to God about your child, go to Him knowing that He has the best plan in mind for that little one.  Don't just pray for safety and comfort. Pray that God will use him/her mightily for His purpose. 

3.   Choose scriptures that God has given you for your child and read them aloud as often as possible.

When Rylie graduated from Pre-K a few weeks ago, her teachers all highlighted their favorite scripture verses in a Bible and gave it to her as a gift.  It is the best gift I could ever think of for my children.  Rylie asked me to highlight my favorite verse, and I decided to take it a a step further.  I told her that I would highlight my favorite but that I would also highlight the passage that God spoke to me when she was born that is meant for her.  So, with excitement, she begged for me to read it.  So, each night I read Psalm 139 to her.  When we get to verse 14, she always chimes in, "Thank you God for making me so wonderfully complex!" This is powerful because our children hear a lot of things throughout the day.  If the last thing they can physically hear before their heads hit the pillows is the word of God, think about how that can infiltrate their minds and hearts.  The older they get, the more they will come to understand and claim it in times of trouble, in times of joy, in times of despair. It's my job to make sure my children know that there is nothing more important or more truthful than the word of God. 

4. Be mindful when giving advice to other mommies!

My rule of thumb is that I don't give advice unless I am asked. And even then, I always preface by saying, "Well, this is what works for me, but it may not work for you." Just because I have four kids does not make me an expert of anything! I'm sure that when people give me advice about my kids, they are doing so out of experience and good intention.  One thing I've learned so far is that there are many different, great ways to do this mommy thing.  As long as we are seeking God and trying our best to rear our kids with kindness, gentleness and love, then what makes my way better than your way? Instead, let's be encouraging to other mommies without comparing ourselves or making it seem like we have it all together.  We have enough pressures coming our way already. So, when you feel the urge to tell another mommy how YOU would do something, hold your tongue unless you're asked.  Every time we judge, criticize, or give unsolicited advice out of negativity, we plant thought seeds. Depending on how grounded in faith this mommy is, your "helpful" advice could cause her to think negative and destructive thoughts. If I didn't have such a strong faith in God, I would be that mommy who doubts, fears and worries with everything said to me about Rylie.  Instead, I have changed my mindset to believe that God has amazing things in store for my little world changer.  

By the way, my new response to people when they say things about how strong-willed Rylie can be is this: 

"Well, thank you.  I take that as a compliment. No world changer I know did anything ordinary."  

That usually gets them quiet. ;)

Can you see the resemblance in these pictures of which is my Rylie Capri?  ;)

Rest

Sleep. Rest. Beach. Read. Eat. Sleep.

Sound too good to be true?  Why is that?

For the last eight years, my girlfriends and I have gone away on vacation together. No kids. No husbands. No agenda. We have made a pact that unless one of us is in labor, we will never cancel this trip. Why is it so important? I believe that this very trip helps me be a better wife, helps me be a better mother, and helps me be a better me. 

Four reasons why EVERY dangerous mom needs to get away for a few days with her girlfriends:

1. I am reminded of where I find my identity.
I'm not a mommy.  I'm not a wife.  I'm not a friend.  I am a woman who loves God.  That's who I am.  Going away for a few days with other beautiful Christian women helps me to grow in that identity.  We can build each other up, laugh until we cry, cry until we laugh, and eat until we sleep.  We can share our struggles, share our triumphs, challenge each other in certain topics and stretch each other in our callings.  It's nothing short of beautiful.  No interruptions. No agenda. No ulterior motives.  Just real women learning who we are in Christ.  It's a beautiful thing.  Each year, I see the growth in each of us, and we all agree that our identity does not lie in our daily roles.  It lies in our Creator. If I didn't have this time away, I would grow resentful, bitter, and just plain ole tired! It is on this retreat that I get back to the basics of who I am.  Is it selfish?  I don't think so. 


2. I am reminded of what a real friend looks like.
None of us girls are all that similar.  One is a phenomenal cook.  One can bench-press a grown man.  One is a mentor and life coach. One is hilarious and fantastic with people. One is ridiculously talented in fine arts. One is goofy and silly almost at all times.  It is way too easy to drop all of your friends the moment you get married and especially the moment you have children.  I have seen it WAY too many times.  The fun girl who had tons of friends has a baby and falls off the face of the earth.  Nope. Not me.  I won't allow it.  When I am with my girlfriends, it's as if I am a cell phone plugged in.  When I was on the plane this past week, I was definitely at 7% with a red line and the "low battery" sign flashing. Each day with them as we ate, laughed, played silly games, took naps on the beach, listened to Jack Johnson while eating Twizzlers, and talked about life, I quickly got the recharge I needed. There's something about being in the presence of other women who are so different yet all believe in the same amazing God.  It allows me to let down my guard and rest in His peace and His goodness.  As my battery recharges, I am reminded of my favorite Bible verse found in Matthew 11:28-30.  God wants us to come and rest in Him.  But in order to do that, I need to recognize that He is the one I can turn to and lay down my burdens.

3. I am reminded of how wonderful my husband is!
Seriously, my husband is amazing. He 100% supports these trips with the girls.  He watches all four of our little rugrats and does so with a cheerful heart.  Hands down, the best guy.  But guess what?  He goes on his "mancation" weekends, too.  We both recognized early in our marriage that we didn't want to lose our friends. We didn't want marriage and parenthood to change that.  We didn't want to ONLY be friends with other parents or other married couples. So, once or twice a year, we make this happen. My husband needs to recharge just as much as I do, and he needs to be able to get away without any feelings of guilt or doubt.

 4. I am reminded of how adorable and wonderful my kids are!
 Let's face it. There are some days where as a mommy, I cry out, "Take me away!!!"  You can't miss something unless it's gone.  I find that when I leave my children for a few days with their grandparents or daddy, I appreciate them more. I miss their little faces, their little voices, and even their little tantrums. God gives me new dreams and new visions for each of their lives, and it helps me long to be with them again.  My children need to understand that I am not the only one they can depend on.  They have other adults that like to pour into them and these vacations allow for this to happen.  I am always so amazed at how much they have "grown" when I return.  Now don't get me wrong, there is some "unlearning" that needs to occur after being spoiled for a week from their grandparents, but ya know what? At the end of the day, it's worth it and I'm glad someone loves them enough to spoil them like that ;)  It's an amazing and confusing feeling when you're away for a few days from the kids.  It's like a perfect balance of longing to be with them and doing the "happy dance" for being away from them.  Embrace it and dance through it!


 Please find a way to adapt this to your life.  Some mommies never leave their children. Ever.  Like, ever.  I am here to encourage you to leave your kids with trusted adults from time to time.  Maybe it won't be for an entire weeklong vacation, but at least do so for a few hours.  Go for a weekend. Just do it.  If you trust the adults, then you have to believe that the children are having a blast and in good hands.  I know that when I leave my kids with my husband or with my parents that their outfits are not going to match and they may eat pizza for every meal.  Big deal!  They are creating memories while I am missing them. Do me a favor- get a few hours of alone time with God and with your girlfriends.  And please, don't feel bad about it!